Well, where was I? Ah yes, I was telling you about my hang ups during childhood, being cross eyed, having self hatred, suffering from loneliness and not being able to fit in, because of all of my “differences”while growing up. I might as well have said I was from Mars, oh wait, I did say that. Did I mention that after awhile in junior high school, I told one of my classmates, that I was from Mars after being tired of not fitting in and always feeling out of place, well, they started calling me Martian after that?
Adults can be cruel, but kids have a way of getting under your skin beyond measure. I hated school, could not understand the concept of sitting in a class room all day long listening to a person ramble about things that really didn’t matter. As if that was not bad enough, having to deal with all sorts of different personalities from individuals who I could clearly see where hurting and trying to be what they were not. No one made any sense to me and everyone seem to live in their own reality. How I ever made it through school was beyond me.
Home life was no better, my parents worked real hard to provide for their kids and never really spent much time with me at all, I was an only child till the age of 8 till my sister came along. It was a bit of a shock at first to have to share what little attention I did get with someone else, but of coarse now I don’t feel the same. I could not imagine life with out my younger sister or brother. She is an amazing young woman and I am so very proud of her and her accomplishments. My brother who came along 16 later, is a married man, who recently had a child of his own.
But lets go back to my childhood for a brief moment. I want to touch upon something really horrible that happened to me back then, not to dwell on it but just to touch upon it. I believe I have worked through it now, I was sexually abused. I was 8 years old, and a friend of the family, whom was like a grandfather to me and whom my family trusted, got access to our home while my parents were at work. He began to touch me inappropriately and to tell you the truth, I don’t remember every detail about it, but it happened till I was 12 years old, when I finally asked him to stop. Why I didn’t stop him earlier, I don’t know? He gave me gifts, lots of attention and knew the right things to say. I don’t know if I felt special or more like an adult because of what he was doing, or maybe because I was too scared to rock the boat and hurt this mans place in our family, I kept silent for all those years. I can’t really answer why, nor do I think I am ready to open up that can of worms but I did reveal it to my mother later on in my adult years. I do want to mention, I am not traumatized by this event, nor do I feel like a victim. I have never played that role in life, I just suck things up and move forward. I have never gone to therapy to deal with it, I do feel that it has not hindered my sexual relationships in life, nor do I hate men for it, or any of that jazz. I do have problems trusting people and have lack of self worth.
So I won’t go into all the sexual details of what he did or did not do during those 4 years time but I believe that many in the lgbt community and outside of it have had some sort of sexual abuse, at least that is what the old man lead me on to believe, that everyone has a special “friend” when they are younger that shows them about sex. I will talk more about my theory regarding this in future blog entries, as I unravel the reasons behind gender confusion and sex change, but for now, lets just say that my life would have been totally different had this even not occurred.
I was very sexual after being introduced to sex at such a young age, sexual, not in having sex with other people that is, but sexual as in exploring my own body, and had a hunger to learn how to pleasure myself and others. I was provided sexual magazines and books by my abuser and I felt that for such a young person I knew about sex more than most in my age group. As I grew older, I started wanting to date young men, but after they too tried to engage in sexual relationships with me without my consent, I became turned off and therefore stopped dating men all together. To tell you the truth, I preferred being alone and masturbating in my room this way I would not get hurt emotionally and it felt safer that way.
Years went by and I fell in love with a girl in high school, she was in my drama class and there began my interest in women. She had no interests in girls, in fact she was straight the same as me. We had a few school projects together and before you know it, we started to explore. We had some really nice moments together, until we got caught and needless to say, well, that is another chapter on its own. In fact I did right about this experience in my book The Mirror Makes No Sense, a book I wrote during my trans advocacy years, girl, do things change.
Fast forward a few years, I graduated high school, became heart broken because Denise and I were forced apart by family and now my heart was guarded and never to let any emotions back in. Trying to find myself I joined the forces and then followed a trail of relationships in search of my lost heart and soul.
To be continued……