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awakening, depression, education

Withdrawls

me 19

Me at 19

 

 

Feeling trapped in the wrong body has many components and many factors that stem from childhood trauma and the traumas we were subject to throughout life. There are many in this community that do have legitimate claims and dysphorias of many types, how they handle it or deal with it is very personal.

Being in a relationship with a trans identified individual has many challenges and the challenges become even greater when one decides to detransition. The dynamic of the set relationship changes, and there are issues that arise. One would think what is the problem, you are the same individual, right? Well yes I am the same person, but now doubts enter my head, will they leave me because I no longer represent that icon I once was? I look in the mirror and the “man” I once created and the “man” they fell in love with is now changing right before their very eyes.

My mind starts to play tricks with me as the hormone that made me this so called man, is leaving my bloodstream.  When I look in the mirror, I don’t like what I see. The cumbersome shaving of a body that produces so much hair from 13 years of testosterone is exhausting and almost impossible to get rid of. The hair on my head sparse and grey, making me feel old and unwanted. I don’t know how many people actually have detransitioned after being on Testosterone for 13 years, but it is not an easy task to say the least. There is no support for someone like me and I find that my detransitioning has send my spouse into major dysphoria.

I hope time will heal these wounds and that everything will be alright in the end. I am trying to be strong, and I know that I must do this because the T that once provided me with so much strength and relief, is now hurting me in so many ways. There comes a time when we know deep in our hearts there is something one must do, and this is one of those times.

I am fasting for the next 3 to 4 days, I hope the fast brings some clarity and relief to this pain I am in right now. Till next time……

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About Mark Angelo Cummings

MarkAngelo is walking the path of healing, Mark is a broadcaster, musician, writer, and educator. As a Certified Nutritional Consultant, Master Personal Trainer and Occupational Therapist, I have taken wellness one step further. Check out our website http://www.gypsybluenomads.com/ Follow our journey: The Travels of 2 Truth Seekers and Their Car. Our Blog http://transitionradio.blogspot.com/ Check out our Programming Tuesdays on RealTalk With The Cummings https://www.youtube.com/c/GypsyBlueNomads If you enjoy our work feel free to donate http://transitionradio.blogspot.com/

Discussion

4 thoughts on “Withdrawls

  1. Everyone gets older and we don’t stop loving our elderly. At least not me I love my grandparents white hair, balding & all. However it would be nice for them if their hair would grow back youthful and not grey as they color it & my grandfather refuses to let go of the worst comb over ever to accept he no longer has hair on the top of his head. However after reading Dirt’s blog recently on what happens to your white blood cells on T & how many FTM activist are in the ground due to complications brought on by it there is a lot more then superficial changes at sake. I’m also sure saving your relationship from the ultimate heartbreak is worth whatever struggles together you will face. Stay strong my bff is my idol because after a childhood of the worst kind of sexual abuse & self medication of being a heroine addict with such insane level of body dysphoria(not trans, but anorexia) that she drank drano–she had the willpower to clean up her life where now she works head of special needs education all while fighting & winning her battle with cancer as well as facing her mothers death. Not only is it a miracle she is alive & now healthy living clean, but she lives everyday helping others. She might be typically obese which is still a struggle for her, but she made the most of it covering her scars from the abuse she put her body through with tattoos she find beautiful so she could have peace within in skin. To me like my own she is like the most beautiful woman on earth. We are lied to about what a woman’s beauty is & made to feel getting older is horrible, but for many of us those extra years to be with the ones you love like my grandparent have are the best or like my bff in her 40-50s now living the best years of her life. Don’t let a few grey hairs fool you.

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    Posted by toppdyke | December 3, 2015, 8:53 pm
    • I think you have me confused with someone else on Dirts blog, nothing is wrong with my white blood cells. My heart is what is feeling strange and my increase of Red Blood cell through the years has been a problem. Today was not such a good day for me, and I feel down and broken, but its to be expected, and I am trying to be as gentle with myself as possible. I know I will get through this, just another bump in the road. Thank you for your comment and support.

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      Posted by Maritza Cummings (Ritz) | December 3, 2015, 10:44 pm
  2. Hi guys. Just a quick message to say you are doing the right thing and its tough. Hang in there. Lynna, I know how hard it is when changes like you are experiencing together happen. I have been where you are to some degree. You guys are going through unknown territory and no one knows what to expect. Please sleep on every decision, you have not done this before and add to that you are being harassed by people who don’t know any better and that is not helping. Be kind to yourselves, its ok to take time to process and find your way. Lots of people are sending love and respect to you both. Hugs.

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    Posted by charlies59 | December 3, 2015, 9:52 pm

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