It has been 11 weeks since coming off Testosterone , the first few weeks were filled with headaches, doubts and fear. After one month, things started to feel and look better. People still questioned my intent, they felt that I could not do this and that it would be impossible to reverse all the changes T had caused my body, mind and soul. Well, I had doubts myself, but was determined to continue the path to my return. I am still miles away from reaching home, but I am much closer than I was the day I stopped taking T.
My voice is still deep, but I can bring it up a few octaves that allows me to sound more like a woman, and I am sure with time I can get closer to my old voice. I believe the mind is very powerful and we can accomplish anything we set out to do. My facial and body hair does not grow in as fast but still remains pretty coarse, I imagine when I start taking estrogen this will change. I am waiting a few more weeks before I attempt HRT, but still not feeling certain if I want to or not. My reasoning is for health reasons, don’t want to hurt my body any more than I have taking synthetic hormones to achieve a more masculine look, and now attempt the opposite. In my opinion synthetic hormones are dangerous and buyers need to beware.
I can’t really tell if my skin has change much, except on my face, where the pores are not as wide. But I believe since we live in a very dry climate and are in heaters because of winter time, this tends to dry the skin and make it brittle. Once we move to Florida I believe I will see much more changes. My hair growth is coming in slowly but surely, I am hoping that more changes will come through as my receptors are fully cleansed and my body starts to remember its original form.
I have began to dress more feminine, getting rid of most of my masculine clothing and wearing make up and wigs. The first time I went out was very scary. This led me to understand how difficult it must be for a male to female transgender during their initial phase, when they had to face the world as the gender they are aligned with. It is in fact very scary, and it takes a lot of guts, especially when you frequent places that people knew you before. Not at all a comfortable feeling, in fact it was rather unnerving if you ask me. When going to a restaurant and ordering drinks, the asking of the ID, just makes your hair curl and your heart sink. I had to take my legal name change papers as well as the only ID I have left as a female, my Citizenship papers.
Funny enough when going to Walmart yesterday, we bought some wine and I handed my ID to the cashier, she looked at it, and I was waiting for her to say thats not you, she returned the ID and just said thank you. Lol, did I look the same with a wig and make up than I did on my license? A bald head and goat tee, was not the look I was sporting, but I guess, she either thought I was cross dressing or God know what.
Any way, I am coming along and happy to be closer to me than ever before. I am so grateful for this journey, it has allowed me to evolve in ways I never thought possible. Lynna and I are closer than ever, argue less, well as long as we keep both masculine energies at bay, we are good. Every so often Mark and Paul have it out, but the girls quickly iron things out and all is well. People don’t seem to realize that we all have a male and female side, some more than others, the male energy tends to be filled with ego and confrontations. It tends to want to be right and really does not want to compromise. Now I am not saying that every man is this way, but not every man is dominated by his male energy and hence the personality differences in people and the way they act. Male energy tends to close up, female energy opens up, this is a very important observation that can help couples understand each other more. I am big believer that our masculine and feminine energy controls most of our personality and daily lives. Learning to understand them can help with personal growth.
I love you but remember to love yourselves too.