Many people ask these days how I have been feeling since my detransition? Well to tell you the truth, I have not really thought too much about it, I mean, I know I am fine in so many ways, but I have not really dig deep, really deep, to find out what is going on inside after so many years on Testosterone and not on any HRT for the past 3 months. I have always had the ability to tune things out, not allow people or things to hurt me, I shut off like a light switch, it’s has always been an easy thing for me to do. Furthermore, I find it’s a great defense mechanism, and one that allows me to deal with things when I am ready to do so.
I have a very analytical personality, one that allows me to analyze things in life. Yet another side of me is very free spirited that allows things to just flow and be, having both of these traits has helped me deal with many things in my life and built my world and character. I am grateful for everything I have ever encountered it has helped me grow, and growth for me is the reason we are here on this planet, so I welcome every change and challenges.
So let me dig deep here for a moment as I write this blog today, the journal of my detransition and life path. I feel scared at times, that I will not be good enough as the woman I was born to be, that others will step all over me and take me for granted. I feel I may not gain respect, the same respect I gained when I was Mark. I feel tired and lonely sometimes, as all of my woman traits exhaust others. I feel vulnerable as I attempt to share my life with a world that judges what they don’t understand. I feel that I am trying not to feel because it’s safer this way, even now as I write, my chest tightens and I want to retreat to that safe space I always run to. I take a deep breath, yet another, it hurts to feel to be honest and vulnerable, because usually that brings on reactions from others who can’t deal with my honesty and right away they retreat further, it’s a vicious cycle of hurt and pain.
I will be gentle with myself in all of these changes and challenges, because in reality it is only me that can navigate through it all, no one but me can actually feel these feelings and emotions that run through my head and hence I have to protect me from all the hurt, even the hurt I cause myself. So how am I feeling you ask, lets say, I am working on how to feel these days, it is not an easy feat to contend with, but one I know I will master through years as the grey in my hair becomes more prominent and the wrinkles on my face more visible. So for now, I breath, exhale and live.
Love you, but remember to Love yourselves too