//
you're reading...
awakening, depression, detransition, education, gender variant, hormones, retransition, trans issues

How I Am Feeling

download

Many people ask these days how I have been feeling since my detransition? Well to tell you the truth, I have not really thought too much about it, I mean, I know I am fine in so many ways, but I have not really dig deep, really deep, to find out what is going on inside after so many years on Testosterone and not on any HRT for the past 3 months. I have always had the ability to tune things out, not allow people or things to hurt me, I shut off like a light switch, it’s has always been an easy thing for me to do. Furthermore, I find it’s a great defense mechanism, and one that allows me to deal with things when I am ready to do so.

I have a very analytical personality, one that allows me to analyze things in life. Yet another side of me is very free spirited that allows things to just flow and be, having both of these traits has helped me deal with many things in my life and built my world and character. I am grateful for everything I have ever encountered it has helped me grow, and growth for me is the reason we are here on this planet, so I welcome every change and challenges.

emotional-abuse

So let me dig deep here for a moment as I write this blog today, the journal of my detransition and life path. I feel scared at times, that I will not be good enough as the woman I was born to be, that others will step all over me and take me for granted. I feel I may not gain respect, the same respect I gained when I was Mark. I feel tired and lonely sometimes, as all of my woman traits exhaust others. I feel vulnerable as I attempt to share my life with a world that judges what they don’t understand. I feel that I am trying not to feel because it’s safer this way, even now as I write, my chest tightens and I want to retreat to that safe space I always run to. I take a deep breath, yet another, it hurts to feel to be honest and vulnerable, because usually that brings on reactions from others who can’t deal with my honesty and right away they retreat further, it’s a vicious cycle of hurt and pain.

I will be gentle with myself in all of these changes and challenges, because in reality it is only me that can navigate through it all, no one but me can actually feel these feelings and emotions that run through my head and hence I have to protect me from all the hurt, even the hurt I cause myself.  So how am I feeling you ask, lets say, I am working on how to feel these days, it is not an easy feat to contend with, but one I know I will master through years as the grey in my hair becomes more prominent and the wrinkles on my face more visible. So for now, I breath, exhale and live.

12651209_428948507304583_852905245727611759_n

Love you, but remember to Love yourselves too

Ritz

 

 

Advertisements

About Mark Angelo Cummings

Maritza/Mark is walking the path of healing, she/he is a broadcaster, musician, writer, and educator. As a Certified Nutritional Consultant, Master Personal Trainer and Occupational Therapist, she/he has taken wellness one step further. Check out our website http://www.gypsybluenomads.com/ Follow our journey: The Travels of 2 Truth Seeker and Their Car

Discussion

4 thoughts on “How I Am Feeling

  1. I think it’s hard for all of us to make real genuine friends, and what helps me with that is being my own best friend and knowing I’m always loved by Spirit. And if people are disrespectful they’re the ones in the wrong if anyone is, (I don’t believe in conceit and inequality). I wish you peace and healing, I can tell you have got a lot going for you in your soul and heart and life. Blessings.

    Like

    Posted by Nienna | February 7, 2016, 4:44 am

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: