I often wonder what would drive a person to want to totally disappear and change their life? Being trans was like joining a witness protection program where you lose your identity and create another. I have felt as an imposter since undergoing transition, and now for the first time in my life, I feel authentic. I am excited to see the changes that are going to finally take place. The changes that Paul and I are going to witness between each other.
We have a few obstacles to over come, changing all of our documentation, I wish there was a do over or a oops I was kidding button, where magically all our documents, credit cards and identification would return to the original form. We don’t have a clue what to do or where to start, but I sure as heck wish there was an easy protocol to follow. It seems it was easier to get things changed during transition than it is to detransition.
Detransitioning with my husband Paul, makes it easier for the both of us, and having God in our lives definitely a blessing. I try not to think too much or get ahead of myself, and I am taking the time to heal. The years on male hormones have altered my body in various ways. My voice is deeper, I have hair all over my body and lacking on my head. My skin coarser, my clitoris bigger, and my mannerisms rougher, all of these things will pretty much remain, but I have faith that I will restore some of my feminine traits and will get to return to me. I am looking forward to being my authentic self, and embarking on a path of redemption.
I will not be taking Estradiol at this point, I am 52 years old and my body is at the age where menopause would have naturally happened, so I should be alright. I eat healthy, exercise and am creating a wonderful relationship with Christ, which should keep me in a healthy balance with my mind, body and spirit. I want to get in the best shape in my life, and will be undergoing certain therapies that are unconventional, such as Urine Therapy. I will be posting information on this as my progress moves forward. Today, I started with a small amount, to introduce my body to this therapy as gently and as affectively as possible. Here is a link that goes into detail regarding this type of treatment.
My goal with this type of therapy is to heal from the affects of transition, to normalize my hormones, help hair growth on my head and to remove the body hair as an adjunct to laser. I will start, documenting on this blog how I feel, in all aspects of me. So the section will be called: “How I feel today”.
How I feel today: Paul and I went to a tanning salon this afternoon, he is having to get rid of tan lines from when he wore a woman’s bathing suit, and I to make my legs match the color of my body from the amount of hair I had on my legs and body. We are committed to live as God intended us to live, taking care of our bodies and soul.
My last T shot was mid August, so it will be a month since I have stopped T now. I am feeling a bit tired, have been having problems sleeping but I believe its from all of the changes. My relationship with Paul is different now, I am now the woman of the house and he is the man, our roles have very much changed. I have never had a relationship with a man before, so this is all new to me, but exciting. He opens doors for me as I use to open it for him when he was Lynna. I am very much enjoying being taken care of as a woman, as I am enjoying catering to him, (although I always have, lol) I enjoy being his woman, not because I have to, but because I want to. I am learning me, I am accepting the role that I was born to take. I am not a man, I don’t need to be controlling or dominating. I don’t need to be the head, I am fine being the tail.
Physically I feel good today, shaving my body and face daily is something I have to get use to, I don’t have as much irritation from shaving this time around, in my initial detransition, shaving was very irritating. I believe the apple cider vinegar and lemon water I drink every morning is helping my skin. Emotionally, I feel stable, a bit more sensitive, especially towards Paul, I find myself concerned and thinking at times, “I hope he finds me attractive”, he reassures me that he does, but I can’t help but question it, since I am in the awkward stage of returning to me. The new found love for God has lead me to begin my healing with a life long battle of self hatred, insecurities, guilt, fear, frustration and over all doubt. However, I am on a wonderful journey of self discovery and I am so very excited to have God and Paul by my side.
Till Next Time