I have been in this de-transitioning process since last year to be exact, many people have chastised me and said: “you will be back”, attempting to shame me, by making me seem confused and as if I was wrong, and in the wrong for waking up from the lie I lived for 13 years. Well, let me make this very clear, as clear as a glass of water, I am not confused, the confusion was when I lived as Mark, thinking that I could be anything else but a woman. The world we live in is confused, living in sexual immorality, addictions, self-gratification, in fact, people have it all wrong, yet are trying to shame those of us who are in alignment with Truth and God.
If I am going, to be honest with you, what I am doing right now is way harder than what I ever had to do during my confusion state of transitioning. Transitioning is a piece of cake compared to this. You would think that everyone would be welcoming and rejoicing of my returning to my womanhood, but instead, we have people who have been brainwashed by the trans brigade and look at people like Paul and I as confused. My job is to wake people up from the zombie state they have been lead to live and think, this abnormal behavior that claims that somehow our bodies have been hijacked and placed wrong by some great act of confusion of our brain and that we can fix this by taking a pill, a shot and or cutting and removing of body parts. We are in danger, our world is in a place right now, that can lead us to the destruction of our soul. I know many do not believe in God, and they should, because without God, the morals of our world are being lost. We are following our wants and desires, and this is dangerous, really dangerous.
So let me tell you what it’s like to be a de-transitioning female to male person, it’s hard not because I am being challenged with the concept, not at all, it’s hard because I realize what I gave up before I transitioned. I was perfect, yet I thought I was not, I found every fault humanly possible, I hated who I was, so I had to create something else. Who did I think I was to do this? I definitely was not God to take this kind of decision and action in my own hands, yet I felt it necessary to alter my gender in hopes that this would fix my pain. Little did I know the pain was just beginning. The problem is not our gender, the problem is our pain, and how do we heal pain? We heal it by loving the person the way they are, we heal pain by taking a look at the cause of the pain, not creating some dumb ass conclusion that our bodies are wrong. We don’t heal our pain by creating complex scenarios that make absolutely no sense to God and to his children. If you think for one minute that people accept what you are doing you are deceived, they are just tolerating you and letting you hear what you want to hear, but in reality, they think you are nuts.
So what is it like for me right now? Well, I have headaches every day, my body is transforming yet again, it is trying to find a balance from all that I have done to it, hysterectomy, mastectomy, testosterone poisoning, lies, guilt, fear, ego, and everything that is about this human condition. I am in the process of freedom and healing, I am not totally free, not because I long to be something I am not, but because I want to be something I am, but in this world to be a woman you have to look a certain way. I want to be the Maritza I use to be when I was 35, and I struggle when I look at the mirror, the mirror that has lied to me all of my life, yet I still honor the stupid thing. This is my cross, the cross that I bear. So I ask you, heavenly father, and those of you who are reading my blog and are believers, to please pray for me. To pray that my heart takes over my mind, that the mirror stops being my focus, that the focus is on you God and nothing else but you. Help me, father, to be able to see beyond the flesh and see your plan for me.
I have had two laser treatments on my face and this time around, my face became inflamed, my hairs are so thick that it creates an inflammatory response and it irritates it. I know I have to be patient and realize that what I have done takes time to repair, and even time may not give me what I would like to see. Maybe it’s not me that I worry about, but again the eyes and judgment of others, are they going to validate me as a woman? My heart speaks to me though and tells me, you don’t need validation, you need God and his love, and the only one you need to please, is him, and him alone. People don’t know your heart, and people don’t know your struggles. The struggles are never about looks or validation, that is how they come out to be, with the influence of peer pressure, Satan and all of his ungodly plans. The struggles are about ignoring God, ignoring the truth, that is the only thing that is keeping us away from love and truth. We can’t serve two masters, we can’t live a life based on looks, gratification, and pleasure. This type of life leads to death, depression and lack of satisfaction.
As a de-transitioning woman, I have this advice for all of you who are in the LGBT community. you can fool people, you can even fool yourself, but you can’t fool God. Please deal with the real issue and that is pain and lack of love. God can fix this for you, I promise. Give God your burden and he will lighten your load. What I am doing right now may not be easy, but I know God has got my back, I know God will deal with me in his time and do with me what he pleases, and I know it will be amazing whatever he does. Life is not about fun, happiness, and self-satisfaction, that is not what we are here for. When we live life like this, it is empty, lots of carnival mirrors, thrills, and lies, life becomes a ride. But at the end of the day, the park closes and you still have to face you and your Father. So please, put down the remote control, and give it back to God, because he is the only one, and I repeat the only one who has the power and the authority to lead your life.
So here I stand before the world and my father, please father give me the wisdom, the patience, and the grace to return to you as you wish me to. Let me not get caught up in the anguish of what the mirror is showing me, the hairs on my body, the lack of hair on my head, and the painful rituals of shaving my face, till laser removes them. Let me focus on the healing on the good news of your kingdom and unconditional love you have for me. I am your daughter and you are my father, and I want nothing more God than to please and honor you.
Till Next Time