By now most of you probably think that I should be locked up and given a round of happy pills, well I don’t blame you, at times I have thought the same myself. I have attempted to detransition (all for the wrong reasons), claimed Christianity as my religion, alienated many of my friends and family from the LGBT community, and pretty much abused my body from the back and forth, in a 2-year span. Before Lynna, the thought of de-transitioning never crossed my mind, I was happy with who I created and solid with who I was. Yet somehow, the nurturing feelings that were brought out in me during Lynna’s accident, her suffering from not having her kids and family in her life, led to the series of failed de-transitioning attempts. Lynna has had lots of struggles dealing with abandonment, rejection and what I like to call Christian badgering, all of which controlled our lives, since we became an item on Jan 1st 2015.
The lack of acceptance from her children, sister, mother, and Christian friends governed Lynna’s world, creating bouts of depression, anxieties, and many behavioral issues that have followed her, her entire life. I became entangled in her world, changing mine to help heal hers. What I find is that these issues are very common in the LGBT community and more so with trans individuals who are faced with rejection from those they love, to include themselves. If I have learned anything during these past 5 years of my life, where I have been involved with trans females, is that the lack of self-love and acceptance of self, leads many to create “project self”, finding the need to run away from their world, an escapism of self, to be known as “project gender swap”. Now, I am not judging what they do, it’s the way many cope, but I do have to say that in the end, it’s not about gender, it’s about expressing who you are without guilt or reservation. Every human is a different individual, this one size fits all approach moved along in the trans agenda is creating more problems that it solves. People are being told that they are born wrong, “now fix it”, and the fix is no fix at all. I know many will not agree with my observation, and that is alright by me, I am not the world’s authority on anything, but I can only share what I have witnessed first hand in very personal relationships and lived experiences. Many feel they are not good enough, make a lousy father and husbands, so therefore they must be a woman. Many are gay, but their religious upbringing does not allow them to be gay, so they must be a woman, right? Many find that they liked to play with dolls and girl things, so that means they are a woman, right, wrong? whatever your reason, I am not here to judge you or to tell you that you are wrong, it’s your life to deal with. If it makes you happy to take dangerous hormones and chemicals in attempts to alter your body, have dangerous surgeries that will make you believe you are now a different gender, then by all means, it’s your body and yours alone. What I do plead is all of you who are suffering from this so-called ailment, please make sure you don’t take any hostages. If you are not married and have no kids, then stay that way until you transition, we need to stop hurting others in the attempt to fulfill our own lives, that is only fair and the true valorous thing to do. If you are married and have kids, remember that your actions will affect others, don’t just think of you.
What I can clearly say is if we think we can fix our problems by running away from our old life and creating a new one, we are being misled. Gender is not that important really unless there is more to your drive than what you are letting the world see. Many do not realize that transgenderism is more than gender identity, it becomes a sexuality and an addiction for many. Some trans women I have known for years continue to take selfies of themselves in front of a mirror, in their underwear and bra, fishing for compliments in order to get their dose of being good enough for the day. The years go by, and what would have been a transition, is nothing more than a state of selfhood, ego stroking, and narcissistic behavior, they are bored with their lives, constantly finding things to stimulate it, yet always falling short, why you ask? They are not addressing the real problems, which can be childhood trauma, and self-hate. Many have other issues of neurological origins and are not really being helped at all. Notice that most in this community want to be models, actors and seek for likes and strokes from those admirers that fulfill their own fetishes with our lives. It’s really sad, the crux of it all is being lost and not seen.
I really want people to start reflecting and if they can help it, to stop being so self-consumed and to see what exactly is going on in their lives. I know I have learned many things from it all. Transitioning is a spiritual thing, we make it materialistic and many fail because of it. I know that by focusing on others, one can break the self-consumption state, I was able to do that, when I placed all of my energies on someone else, but I got lost along the way. Do I regret anything during this journey, no, not really, it had to be the way it was. I am grateful for all that has happened in my life and now I can reflect, heal and move forward.
Till Next Time