Our minds can be the most destructive part of our body, it can make you believe all sorts of things to the point of our own destruction. The feelings of not being enough, the words we hear during childhood, and the overbearing parents that follow belief systems that can literally drown out your own person and inner voice can bring upon all sorts of mental road blocks that lead us to create characters to help us cope.
In this jungle we call life, we can find ourselves being faced with many dangers, obstacles, and roadblocks that can feel like quicksand at certain points in our lives. How we deal with these obstacles create our reality or lack thereof. I have made many mistakes in my life, have said many hurtful things in a quest to not look at my own junk, and have focused on what is wrong with others in their lives. I have been in relationships with people whom I have tried to “fix”, when in the end, forgetting to fix the things in me that have been broken.
I find myself at a crossroad in my life once again, reflecting on the things that always seem to be the same theme. After 52 years of life, I am still empty, broken, and lost. I have destroyed the things I once built, always in search of something better, when at one point I had it all, was on top of the world, loved and king of my throne. I look back now and can only shake my head and say, “what was I thinking”? Yet, I have learned not to think too much of the past, tried to stay focus on the now, and never mind thinking about tomorrow, one day at a time seems to be all I can handle as of late. What ever happened to the spark and warrior type spirit I once use to possess? Has this jungle gotten the best of me, broken me down enough that I am now waving the white flag and ready to call it quits?
As I look back now, the past 5 years of my life, I have spent trying to help trans women who are early in their transition, finding myself so engulf in their woes that I have literally forgotten how to live. I have lost me in the process, and now I sit here trying to figure out which way is up or down? I have learned how broken people really are, and that the human spirit is so lost in the materialistic nature, that we have been forced to need, that their humanity has been void and lost of all its true nature.
Where do I go from here many may ask? Well for starters, I need to start healing and repairing the damage that I have caused myself. I hope that my marriage to Lynna stands the test of time, that she is able to heal and capable of having a meaningful relationship outside of the pain she drowns herself in. Our relationship has been based on nothing more than challenges, traumas, and hurt, hurt of her soul and person. I find myself constantly wanting to “fix” her, and that is no way to live or to lead a loving relationship.
All I have ever wanted, as most do in this Jungle, is to love and be loved, but I guess sometimes the jungle can be quite harsh and challenging. I have learned many things through this journey of mine, one is that life is no picnic and one must learn to face our pains or be forever stuck in a vicious cycle that will never allow you to find true happiness.
Till Next Time