So I wanted to take this time to explain the events that have taken place in the past 2 years of my life. Many of you have known me for quite a while, I have been a trans advocate since 2004 and have done many great things for this community. I was married to a wonderful woman, who in hindsight, I should have probably remained married to, but my quest for something better, lead me to the many poor choices I made since then.
Not to take away from any of the relationships and now marriage that I have had since, but I feel my life was so much more stable then than what it is now. Let’s look closer at what has taken place since being with Lynna, my now current spouse. Lynna is a very double-minded individual, she has been her entire life, I, on the other hand, have been pretty concrete in my decision making, hard worker, inventive and have pursued many creative endeavors in my life. My transition went pretty smooth, even though I was very much a pioneer setting the way for many, nonetheless, it all went well, and I must say that I created the man that I set out to create. I had never in a million years ever thought about de-transitioning, I loved being who I was, and am. Ever since Lynna came into my life it has been filled with challenges and baggage, none of which are mine. I was living stress-free in a little town in New Mexico, enjoying my quiet life and peace.
Those that have been following Lynna’s life and mine have seen what has transpired and have experienced the hurt she felt for not having her kids in her life which have created lots of issues and distress, as well as other childhood traumas which I blame her Christianity for. I attempted to de-transition 3 times since being with her, all to favor the acceptance of her family, and of course, none of which ever became possible, and in the end, it has just left me distraught and warn out. I put myself through painful laser treatments which did not fully remove my facial hair but now has created a patchy look, something I never really had to think about, my beard just grew and it grew well. In addition, loss muscle mass and have set my hormonal profile in a spin.
Furthermore, I was always in good standing with the trans and gay community, with the exception of the time I had Cathy Brenan on my show, but other than that, the community loved me and I loved them. Well since Lynna and her constant inner battles, lead her to battle with others, and I of course like an idiot went along with those battles, protecting the honor of my wife, it seems that we have created turmoil with everyone. I must say that it has been quite the eventful roller coaster ride, and someone how I have a feeling that the ride is not over. I can only hope that she settles in, starts to fully love herself, stops worrying about what other people think of her, and finally starts to see life beyond her needs. I know that those who transition become consumed with their transition, I have been there, but there comes a time when life must go on, and the transition is left behind while one learns to live.
I am patiently waiting, since I do love her, and think she has a good heart, she is a bit confused and sometimes her mind can be her worse enemy, but I do hope that the time and energy that I have invested in her pays off. I have never really loved anyone as I love her, and I feel deep inside that we can be happy if she just learns to live, be happy and to let go of what is beyond her control. Living in the past or always looking for more, somehow does not allow you to appreciate what you do have and to see that in the end, all we have is the now. She has taught me patience, how to love unconditionally and to appreciate the now. A lesson I wish I could have learned before, but then, my experience with Lynna would have never happened and who knows where my life would have been now. I don’t want to take away from the good times she and I have shared in between all of the complications that came with her past life, inner turmoils, and lack of self-love and acceptance. We work well when her mental health and clarity is in alignment, but when she goes into that dark place, then Huston we have problems. There have been times when I just want to walk away, but then I would be like everyone else in her life who has bailed on her when she has needed them the most. I promised to love her through sickness and in health, and that is what I intend to do, till death do us part.
Till Next Time