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adventure, trans issues, Uncategorized

Damn These Genders Issues

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Childhood traumas are responsible for our adult behaviors and troubled roads. The road to healing is not as simple as most people think, gender issues are deep seeded and very hard to deal with never mind heal. Although I am aware as an Occupational Therapist who is very well versed in psychology, that the solution given today for gender disorders is not the true solution but just a mere band-aid, a band-aid that allows those of us who are trying to run away from the pain we experienced in our youth, be it molestation, excessive strict parents, and or a very religious upbringing, that can only cover up the pain, never gets fixed. I notice that many who are in the LGBT community come from very religious house hold, I wonder why that is? Many think that praying the demon away heals, but it seems that the more people pray the harder the demons latches on, sort of speak. I believe that these “demons” find a vessel that is hurting and find the weakest link to enter and just won’t let up. What needs to be fixed is the broken link, and prayers unfortunately just don’t solve that. What I find in the many years I have studied trans issues, including my own life experience is that we create a safe haven to go to, we create a persona, a character that allows us to escape the world we live in. I created Mark to protect myself from men since I was sexually molested and had a very abusive drunken father, and I often had to be my mother’s protector.

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In the case with Paul/Lynna, he had a sister whom I believe he idolized and wanted to be like her, he felt that he was left out during their moms and sisters outing while they went shopping, he wanted to be one of the girls, try on clothing, but never could. His dad was not very attentive towards him and although many would disagree in his family, a child’s mind is hard to read and sometimes what may seem as nothing to someone, may seem like a tidal wave to others, so he felt left out of the supposed male figure, although he did have a father who was loving and did the best he could, Paul needed more. Paul is a very sensitive person, who has Aspergers, I do too, a very common neurological issue that most trans people share. making us prone to obsessions and gender issues. As I said it is way more complicated than just demon possession, and we are not given the proper tools to heal. I will say that we have since returned to living as Mark and Lynna, something that is safe, familiar and easier for us to deal with. We had all good intentions, but unfortunately, once you transition, going back is very difficult. For starters, the trail of documents that need to be changed is made virtually impossible as we were informed by social security, that they only do the changes once. The new ID act makes it impossible to change your birth certificate back, this along with the damaged done in Pauls family, makes him feel hopeless and feels all he has is his comfort zone of being Lynna. He has had gender issues since a very young age, and this although unproven is very debilitating and can reek havoc on one’s mental health.

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I know by now many of you feel we are certifiable and should be locked away, and trust me, it feels like that at times. I am stronger and bounce back easily, but my Lynna is a very sensitive soul, along with her Aspergers, she has your classic narcissistic personality, that will lash out, and hurt anyone that stands in her way. Depending what her brain is telling her at the moment, she gets into defense mode and all bets are off. I have had to be the punching bag, but I understand and know her pain and what she is experiencing, I am two spirited, always have been so I feel comfortable in both my skins. Unfortunately, with all of the damage I have done, it is much harder to feel good with my female side, and my Mark side is easy. We don’t expect you all to understand, and many will continue to pray and feel that we need saving, but the way we look at it, we are a heterosexual couple, who are quirky, definitely different and off their rockers but are hearts are in the right place. We struggle, life is not a bowl of cherries that’s for sure. But we try, and we are open and real. We stand by our beliefs that transition is not that answer and there need to be better solutions. But once you step on the train, there is not stepping off. So please if you are a parent of a trans child, please find any other possible solution but not this, if you are a parent, a husband, a mother, don’t do it. You will forever be hunted and will have to deal with your actions. For those who are lucky to have accepting families, your families are still affected even though they are on board. This changes lives, and not in a good way.

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Anyways, so we continue to find our truth, we continue to make enemies, alienate people what have you, but as we stumble along in this long road we call life, one thing is for sure, you can never say that the Cummings are boring. We are messy, we are raw, we are passionate, and we take risks, and all and all we are transparent and have been sharing our lives from word go. Do we know what tomorrow brings, no, but all we can do is continue to find the truth and to live our lives. Thank you all for listening for watching our videos and journey.

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About Mark Angelo Cummings

Maritza/Mark is walking the path of healing, she/he is a broadcaster, musician, writer, and educator. As a Certified Nutritional Consultant, Master Personal Trainer and Occupational Therapist, she/he has taken wellness one step further. Check out our website http://www.gypsybluenomads.com/ Follow our journey: The Travels of 2 Truth Seeker and Their Car

Discussion

4 thoughts on “Damn These Genders Issues

  1. It must be very difficult to be so conflicted about your lives. I would just say, don’t judge yourselves and ignore those who would judge you. As I said before, you have been responding to very deep pain. It seems that you long to go back. It is a journey no one can really make. We take a path in life and we go far. Turning around is a fantasy. If you are most comfortable being Mark and Lynna—be Mark and Lynna. Be as feminine or masculine as you are as you continue life’s journey. You can be both. If you want to be Maritza and Paul–you can… who cares about social security numbers and birth certificates? I am sure any Social Security monies you may have built up can be cashed by either gender you are living. Either way, you, like all of us, have some grieving to do about paths we didn’t take, losses we have experienced, scars from childhood. We all have selves we didn’t choose to be or identities we left behind. Allow yourselves to grieve, and accept yourselves, ok?

    I also hope you can live without these labels, such as Narcissistic Personal Disorder, Asperger’s etc. Who needs these labels? Sometimes we behave in insensitive ways, we make mistakes, we harm ourselves and others. We are just human. Someday your kids will understand that Lynna. Children long for relationships with their parents and they seek them out. Few turn their backs for ever. I hope yours will. I wish I had done some things differently when my daughter was small. I didn’t change genders, like me they so many go through divorce, have gaps in their parenting responsibilities, so many are self- absorbed and don’t really meet their children’s needs in full. Luckily, most go on and reconcile eventually. Most children survive and find satisfying lives. Give your children time.

    Liked by 1 person

    Posted by Camille | August 10, 2017, 6:42 pm
  2. I think you guys need to start helping others, maybe volunteering someplace that has nothing to do with gender issues or the LGBT community, etc. Maybe at a soup kitchen, or helping people at a hospital, etc. In my experience, the more you think and think and think about something the more power it has over you and you drive yourself crazy looking for answers you may never find (some things have no answer, I think). Going out there, being among people, feeling useful and giving love might help you guys, specially Paul/Lynna, get out of the hole. Maybe if you do this for a while a create a life that is full and doesn’t give the gender issue so much power one day you’ll look back and wonder how it had such a hold over you. I think change, real change, happens without you noticing it. The more Paul, for example, spends time TRYING to not be Lynna, the more he will want to be, until he’ll give in again and hate himself for it and round and round we go. It’s like falling off a ledge and holding on tight… eventually your hands will give out and you’ll fall. Living in this endless cycle is no life. I’ve never had gender problems, but have had my own issues that remind me of what you guys struggle with.

    Good luck!

    Like

    Posted by ML | August 11, 2017, 11:54 pm

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