Healing comes in different forms, some people take years while others may heal sooner. What is this business and nature of gender and all of its expressions? We as humans are multi faceted, some are more straight lace, and black and white than others. Where does gender come from? Why do we invest so much in gender? And does it really matter?
Through the years there has always been this need to bounce back and forth between my female and male persona. I didn’t understand back then why I did this, but today after transitioning and having lived my life in a male expression, I totally understand my two spirited nature.
When I finally understood the inner workings of me, then and only then was I free to express what I consider my truth. I know I am a woman, there is no doubt in my mind that I am female. However, with all that I have done to myself, it is difficult to erase the secondary characteristics that the years of testosterone have done to me. In fact, I had a male to female transsexual friend of mine, tell me, I actually looked like a trans woman, during my attempt to express as my female self. I can’t no longer fully express as a woman, but I can still embrace many of my female traits, traits that will never be taken away from me no matter what I look like.
I have never felt so much at peace with who I am, and although there is some sort of anger and discuss from what I did to myself, I must say that at the same time, I am forgiving myself on a daily basis. I realize that I could have expressed in my masculine nature without having had to take dangerous hormones, and have dangerous procedures performed on me, procedures that I would never recommend anyone to go through. Instead, I would recommend for them to learn to understand themselves and to learn to accept their biological reality. They can express, dress and lead their lives without crossing the line.
I understand that some people find it necessary to go where no one should ever go to, that is on them and their personal choice, but I would strongly suggest that they look into the real problems and learn to deal with their dysphoria differently. I know that many people have different reasons for why they pursue certain paths in life, but if one has to disrupt, degrade, and destroy oneself to achieve these goals, then one has to take a closer look. If you are who you say you are, why do you have to alter your body so much? Why not just live, live a life of health and natural procession, a life that does not require you to go against the current.
Healing comes in stages, it may not be the way many would like to see it, but nonetheless, it comes in increments. Let the healing begin, and may it bring us closer to our truth and reality, may it help mend the broken bridges that have been destroyed by the actions of our past.
I am who I am, there is no disconnect, only learning to walk my path, and to accept, forgive and live the life that I have been given.
Till next time….